


Love on hold

by Andithiel



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bottoming from the Top, Friends to Lovers, Insecurity, Light Angst, M/M, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, Pining, Resolved Sexual Tension, Unresolved Sexual Tension, oh my god they were roomates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-24
Updated: 2020-04-24
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:15:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23822917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Andithiel/pseuds/Andithiel
Summary: James Sirius Potter is a world famous quidditch player, he’s good looking, and he can have anyone he wants. The problem is, James has been in love with Teddy for years, and he's been trying to get over it in every way possible. Surely becoming flatmates can't make it any worse? But James hadn't considered how it would feel to see Teddy with one partner after another, especially as his own feelings only seem to be getting stronger, along with his insecurities.
Relationships: Teddy Lupin/James Sirius Potter
Comments: 38
Kudos: 276
Collections: JeddyFest_2020





	Love on hold

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this for last years Jeddyfest and thought it would be a quick expose of James growing up while falling more and more in love with Teddy. But as usual, the story demanded more of me and ultimately, this became more personal than I intended. 
> 
> All the love to my wonderful friend [Etalice](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Etalice/pseuds/Etalice) for helping me realise what kind of story I was telling (even if it did make me cry), and a massive thanks to [MalenkayaCherepakha](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MalenkayaCherepakha/pseuds/MalenkayaCherepakha) for the beta work and your very kind words about this fic (and summary help! God I hate summaries.)
> 
> Shout out to [gothzabini](https://archiveofourown.org/users/girl412/pseuds/gothzabini) for helping me come up with an English title when I wanted to screw it all and just use the title of my favourite song in Swedish.

James was 15 when he knew for sure he was into boys as well as girls. Granted, he’d had some inklings before, but every doubt he’d ever felt was effectively wiped away on the morning of 26th August, when he drew the shower curtain aside to find his godbrother Teddy standing in front of the sink, brushing his teeth. He was wearing nothing but a worn pair of pyjama bottoms, and James recognised them at once as a pair of his own he’d discarded. They were too short for him now, and apparently for Teddy too, because his ankles were showing. Funnily enough, it didn’t look ridiculous, but rather sexy. They were very old and worn, the elastic so lax that they hung low on Teddy’s hips, and James realised with a jolt to his crotch that the only thing holding them up must be Teddy’s cock.

Teddy turned at the sound of the curtain and snorted, bending over and spitting out foam. It shouldn’t have been sexy, but it was, with the curve of Teddy’s arse in profile, a hint of the dip between his buttocks showing. James felt his cheeks heat.

“Shit, sorry Jamie, I thought that was Harry in there!” Teddy said with a grin, not looking sorry at all.

“Erm, yeah, no, it’s me,” James said lamely, cringing inwardly. 

“D’you need a towel?” Teddy said, turning to the rack and examining the range.

“Uh, no thanks! I just realised I forgot to put on conditioner,” James said, yanking the shower curtain shut once more to hide his burgeoning erection.

Fuck, this wasn’t okay, was it? He could not have the hots for his _godbrother_ for Pete’s sake!

As he stood under the spray, pretending to rinse the conditioner out of his hair, he heard the door open and close and he let out a sigh of relief before throwing all caution to the wind and having a furious wank, hoping that no one would open the unlocked door. He _was_ a teenager after all, he was _supposed_ to be horny all the time, right?

Still, he couldn’t help but feel a little bit guilty when he got to the kitchen and found Teddy, thankfully with a t-shirt on, chatting with Albus and Lily over breakfast. 

This is normal, he told himself as he crammed an entire bread roll into his mouth to get out of talking to anyone. This is nothing to be freaked out about, it’s just hormones. There’s only a few more days before school starts, and then everything will go back to normal.

* * *

James was 16 when he had his first kiss. It was after a trip into Hogsmeade, and he and Stella, a Ravenclaw that he’d been flirting with for a few weeks, ended up alone on the walk back to school. When it started to snow, James dragged Stella into a field to make snow angels, but soon they started a snowball fight, both of them roaring with laughter every time they managed to hit each other. Eventually, Stella tripped and when James caught her, their faces were so close that all that was needed was for her to lean in and angle her head, and then it happened.

It was nice enough. A bit cold, but he liked Stella, and he liked the kiss, it was sweet and soft and he felt like he could definitely do this again with her. But somewhere, deep down, James had the feeling that something was missing. That it was supposed to be someone else instead of her.

* * *

James was 17 and he knew that people were talking about him. That he was a flirt. That he was easy. That he could never settle down with the same person for more than a month or so.

He knew that his parents were worried that people were using him, that they all just wanted a taste of the fame that came with the Potter name.

What nobody knew was that James was the one using other people to get over an infatuation. Maybe not consciously, but every relationship he ever tried ended up with the other person breaking up with him. And they all said the same thing. That he was distant. That he didn’t share enough of himself. That he never let them in. But the problem was, he knew he would be able to open up, to let someone close.

It just never was the right person.

* * *

James was 18 when Teddy decided to travel the world with his girlfriend. A part of him was relieved that there would be a greater distance between them. Now that he was out of school, they were bound to spend more time together, but he told himself that with Teddy abroad, it would probably be easier to get over this crush. He just needed some time and space between him and Teddy. And since he had recently been signed by Puddlemere United, there really was no time for him to sulk around the house anyway. This was for the better.

Teddy often wrote to him, though, and his letters became James’ favourite pastime. He loved hearing about Teddy’s adventures on the other side of the globe (stubbornly erasing Heather’s name out of the letters when he read them), while imagining all the places he would get to see himself some day. And if he secretly hoped, but tried to push out of his mind, that Teddy would be the one to show him these places, well, no one needed to know about that.

* * *

James was 19 when Albus figured it out.

It was Albus’, and by extension also Scorpius’, graduation party. Everyone was gathered in the Potter’s back yard, enjoying the warm sun and the cold drinks, wishing the boys good luck.

James’ dad was in the middle of a speech when Teddy quietly snuck in. Despite the fact that Teddy was being discreet, James could feel him from the moment he stepped through the wards. He could feel Teddy’s magic settling around him like a comforting blanket, even though they hadn’t seen each other for almost a year, since James had gone away for a Quidditch training camp a mere week before Teddy returned from his around the world trip.

“Hi,” Teddy whispered to him, and James felt goosebumps all over his neck. “Sorry I’m late, I was held up by Helma Pinescrew. Apparently, being the Head Auror’s godson doesn’t count for much when it comes to paperwork,” he added, but then fell silent when he got a reprimanding look from his grandmother. He lifted his hands placatingly and then turned his full attention on Harry.

James could hardly breathe. They were squashed together by the drinks table, Teddy’s thigh pressed against his arse, his chest moving surely and steadily against James’ back as he inhaled and exhaled, and there was no way James could concentrate on what his dad was saying right now.

A round of applause, and Harry raising his glass, saying “to Albus and Scorpius!” made him realise the speech was finished. He raised his own glass, mumbling along with everyone else, and took a healthy swig of his champagne.

“As much as I love speeches at events like these, I’m happy it’s over so I can say hi properly,” Teddy said with a laugh, slinging his arm around James’ neck and pulling him into a hug. “How’ve you been, Jamie?” he mumbled against his neck, and James’ brain promptly shut down.

“I’ve… I’ve… fine,” he managed to squeak out eventually.

“Yeah? Team’s treating you good?”

“I… yeah. It’s fine. Everyone’s really nice,” he said, silently cursing himself for being unable to say anything remotely interesting or even _normal_.

“I’m happy to hear it,” Teddy said with a smile that made his eyes crinkle at the corners and caused James’ knees to go weak, but then his dad showed up, jostling Teddy by the shoulder. Teddy gave James an apologetic look before he turned to talk to Harry. 

James stared fixedly at a garden gnome who was scurrying away with a cupcake that someone had dropped on the ground. As his eyes followed the little bugger, he tried to focus on breathing, to make his heart rate go slower. When he looked up, he saw Albus standing a little further away, regarding him with a thoughtful expression.

Shit.

James promptly turned and left, not at all ready to deal with Albus and his inquisitorial questions now. He was too observant for anyone’s good, never sharing his own secrets but extremely skilled at figuring out other people’s. But in his haste to get away from his brother, he threw a glance over his shoulder to keep track of him and bumped into Aunt Angelina, making her spill champagne all over her elegant dress robes. James apologised profusely, offering to fix the damage with some spells, but Angelina brushed it off.

“It was nothing, James, don’t worry about it!” she said, blinking at him, and before he had regained his composure, someone grabbed him around the wrist and dragged him off behind the tool shed. He turned around to stare straight into Albus’ bright green eyes, but then quickly averted his gaze.

Albus cast a _muffliato_ , then turned to James. “How long?” he said, chewing the inside of his mouth like he always did when he was trying to figure something out, like he was solving a particularly complicated puzzle.

“How long what?” James said defiantly in a futile attempt to avoid the inevitable.

Albus sighed, crossing his arms and giving James a disapproving look, like he was offended that James could even suggest that he had no idea what was going on. “How long have you fancied Teddy?”

“I don’t… I don’t _fancy_ Teddy!” James said, because he didn’t. It sounded so mundane, so sordid. What he felt for Teddy was… well he didn’t like to dwell too much on how he felt about Teddy, but “fancy”wasn’t the right word, he knew that much.

Albus sighed again, deeper this time, like he was extremely tired of James. “I’m not stupid, you know. Or blind. I saw you back there. You _never_ behave that way around anyone else.”

James clenched his teeth. Albus always had been the most observant of the three of them. He knew practically everything about everyone, sometimes even things they didn’t know themselves yet.

“Fine,” he said reluctantly, “you’re right. I _do_ like him.”

“Yeah, I know. So: how long?”

“What does that matter?” James started, but sagged again at Albus’ raised eyebrow. “Four years I guess,” he muttered.

“Four years?!” Albus said, and a tiny part of James felt triumph that he’d apparently managed to keep something secret from his brother for so long. “But… All those boyfriends and girlfriends…” He trailed off, looking out in the distance and bringing a hand to swipe away his fringe. “Oh…”

“Yeah,” James said, not overly pleased at having his secret weedled out of him. “Go ahead, you can laugh all you want. Laugh at stupid silly James who’s so in love with his godbrother that he can’t be with anyone else.”

Albus looked at him with so much compassion in his eyes that James had to look away again.

“Now can we please forget this conversation ever happened and let me go pine in peace?” he muttered.

“I didn’t realise you were in love,” Albus said softly.

James gave a short, mirthless laugh. “Honestly, me neither until I said it now. I’ve always tried to explain it as a crush, but seeing him now…” He closed his eyes, leaning his head back against the wall behind him. “And I know it’ll never happen. He’ll always see me as a brother, or a cousin. And I’ve tried any way I can to make it go away, but…”

“It doesn’t,” Albus finished for him. He sighed and came to stand beside James, shoulder to shoulder. They stood like that in silence, watching the apple blossoms wave in the wind, hearing the soft murmur of their family and friends talking and laughing.

“I haven’t told anyone this, but… I was in love with Scorpius for I don’t even know how long before we got together,” Albus said eventually. “It just… I just realised one day that I’d fallen in love with him without even noticing. It just… snuck up on me I guess. And it ate me up inside. I tried to push those feelings away, tried to make them disappear, but nothing helped. I even tried dating others, but no one could compare to him.” 

James listened with rising interest. Albus had never shared the story about how he and Scorpius got together, they just… made sense. There was never a question of them being with someone else, it was like they were made for each other. But hearing this, he realised Albus’ journey hadn’t been that simple.

“And then what?” he asked. “How did you both realise you wanted the same thing?”

Albus chuckled awkwardly, rubbing his neck like their dad usually did when he was embarrassed. “It was actually me dating others that became the catalyst, because Scorpius got really jealous.” He bit his lip, looking both pleased and bashful. “I know he doesn’t look like it, but he can be really possessive. But like, in a good way, not in an abusive way,” he added when he saw what must’ve been an alarmed look on James’ face. “He… One day, I came home from what was supposed to be a date in Hogsmeade, but my date never showed. And when I came back, he was in our dormitory, and we were alone, and I told him that I shouldn’t even bother dating because who’d want to be with me anyway. And he told me I was an idiot and when I protested he grabbed me by the front of my robes and pressed me up the wall. It was… it was the hottest thing I’ve ever experienced and… we started kissing and… that’s how we got together.”

James was flabbergasted. He’d never thought it about Scorpius, sweet, innocent, geeky Scorpius. “Wow,” was all he could say. But then he remembered that Albus and Scorpius were very close friends before, so close that everyone already thought they were together before they properly were. He’d been so wrapped up in Albus’ story that he almost believed this could be something for him as well. “That’s never going to happen to me, though,” he said, deflating at the realisation.

Albus didn’t say anything at first. “You should never say never,” he said thoughtfully, but then, of course, the object of their conversation rounded the corner and all the sounds from the party crashed into their bubble of confessions.

“There he is! The man of the hour!” Teddy said, flinging his arms around Albus and lifting him up three times before he set him down again. “Shit, Albus, you’re getting heavy, have you been working out?” He laughed, then grabbed them both by the arms. “Come on! You have to meet Heather! She’s been dying to meet you both!”

James wasn’t exactly enthusiastic about meeting Teddy’s girlfriend, but he had no choice but to let himself be dragged off along with Albus. 

“You won’t tell anyone, will you?” he muttered.

“Course not,” Albus said, giving him a reassuring smile.

* * *

James was 20 when Teddy asked him if he wanted to move into his flat, and he couldn’t find any valid reason to decline. Because apparently he was masochistic that way. He tried telling himself that since distance hadn’t helped him get over this crush, maybe the exact opposite would? Maybe seeing Teddy every day, in every state, every embarrassing moment, would take the halo off him and make him human again? In any case, James was desperate for a change and this was as good as any.

Which was exactly what he told Albus after Teddy had announced the news over Sunday dinner at the Potter house. Albus didn’t say anything, but he didn’t need to, James could tell from his expression what he thought of it.

“Well,” he said after dinner, crossing his arms over his chest as he stood in front of Albus, who was sitting on James’ bed, “spit it out.”

Albus didn’t meet his gaze, he merely shrugged and picked at a cuticle in a most Albus-ish way. “It’s just… do you really think this is such a good idea? I mean, living this close to him? It’s like asking for a disaster.”

“I appreciate your concern, but I can make my own decisions,” James said, gathering all his trousers and shoving them into a bag, because he was too annoyed with Albus to be able to stand still.

Albus stayed silent, watching James pace around the room and stuff random items into bags and his old school trunk. He drew in a breath, as if to say something, but James cut him off.

“You know, Albus, I know you’re smart and everything, but you don’t always know what’s best. I’m a big boy and I can take care of myself.”

James cringed at his own words. He sounded like he was exactly the opposite and he was only trying to convince himself. He stopped his pacing, hanging his head.

“I’m sorry Al, it’s just…” He sighed deeply, bringing a hand to his forehead. “I don’t need your opinion right now, I… I just need your support, because if I allow myself to think about it, I’m not sure how I will get out of this with my heart intact.”

Albus stayed silent for so long that James started to worry that he had fallen asleep, but eventually he rose from the bed to stand beside James.

“You’re right,” he said. “I’d hate to see you get hurt, but of course you’ll have my support regardless.” He patted James clumsily on the back, but the gesture spoke volumes since Albus had never been the cuddly type. 

James gave him a shaky smile and whispered “Thanks.”

“Right,” Albus said, rubbing his hands over his thighs. “Where do you want this?”

He held up an old battered clock and James looked at it without really seeing it. “Just put it over there with the rest,” he said, indicating his school trunk. When Albus turned away he quickly wiped away the tears that had gathered in his eyes.

They continued in silence, and James was grateful for the attempt to smooth things over. He’d thought that the world would crumble if anyone were to find out his secret, but really, he appreciated that he had Albus as his confidante. As annoying Albus could be sometimes, and as much as James would tease him for one thing or the other, Albus really was a great brother and James loved him more than he could say.

“You know…” Albus began, but hesitated, looking sheepish. “You know you’re always welcome to stay with us, if you need it?”

“I don’t think that’ll be necessary, but thanks, I’ll keep that in mind.”

The problem was, James really did need to. Because as it turned out, living with Teddy meant meeting his numerous boyfriends and girlfriends, everyone different from the last. The only thing they had in common was that neither of them was James. 

He would come home to a new pair of shoes in the hallway, a new type of laughter ringing out from the kitchen or, like this time, the living room where Teddy lay cuddled up on the sofa with his current partner, who promptly shot up when James came to stand in the doorway. This one was tall and slender, with a natural grace about him that James felt he distinctly lacked as he stood there like a troll covered in mud after a particularly rough Quidditch training.

“Oh, you must be Jamie!” the bloke said with an easy smile. “I’ve heard so much about you! Hi, I’m Eli.”

“It’s James,” James muttered, shoving his hands deep into his pockets.

Eli laughed, lifting his hands apologetically. “Wow, okay, sorry. It’s just that Teddy always talks about this ‘Jamie’ so I assumed that was your name.”

“Don’t worry about Jamie, he won’t behave until he’s had his shower,” Teddy said with a laugh. “For someone who hates the outdoors he sure spends a lot of time there,” he added with a wink to James, who failed to see what was so funny.

Eli laughed and fell back beside Teddy, swatting his arm. It looked so easy. It looked exactly like James pictured he and Teddy would look together.

He had to turn away from them, and with a mumbled excuse went into the bathroom to wash off the dirt, hoping it would take his mind off how much it hurt that it was never him.

* * *

“Teddy, I’m home!” James called as he dropped his training bag on the floor and kicked off his shoes. He was knackered after a long day of Quidditch training and he hadn’t even had the energy to take a shower before he Apparated home.

There was a rustle and some thumping and then a yelp, and when he stepped into the living room, Teddy was frantically buttoning his trousers, while a girl with red curly hair pulled up in a ponytail was trying to untangle her dress to put it back on.

“Whoa!” James called, putting his hand up to shield his eyes, turning his face away from them.

“Shit, Jamie, I thought you’d be home much later,” Teddy panted while struggling to put his shirt back on.

“Yeah, that one’s obvious,” James said, turning on the spot and storming off into his room, slamming the door and not caring that he was behaving like a full blown teenager. 

He was so fucking done with this. It was sort of manageable just knowing that Teddy was seeing other people, but it was a whole other thing to witness him being intimate with them, to see with his own eyes that someone else got to do all the things James wanted to do with Teddy.

“I thought you said you were single!” he heard the girl say through the door.

“Well I… I am.”

“Are you sure? Because that looked exactly like someone walking in on their partner with someone else.”

Teddy laughed. “Oh, no no, Jamie and I are just friends. And flatmates.”

James stood rooted to the spot, unable to move but not wanting to hear what was being said on the other side.

“Are you jealous, maybe?” Teddy said, and he had that playfulness in his voice, the one James had heard him use before he and his partner went into Teddy’s room for some private time.

The girl laughed softly. “You knobhead.”

Teddy chuckled self satisfactorily, then there were some unmistakable kissing sounds and moans and tittering that James did his best to try and block out before Teddy said “Let’s continue in my room, yeah?”

James heard the door close, and he had never felt more alone in his life. With tears blurring his vision, he grabbed his pillow, went into the bathroom to fetch his toothbrush, and Apparated straight to Albus and Scorpius’ door step, clenching his teeth hard around the sobs threatening to spill out. Scorpius opened the door when he knocked, took one look at James and his knuckles going white from holding his pillow so tightly, and let him in without another word. He didn’t say anything at all, but James was convinced that he knew what was going on, he and Albus shared everything between them.

“Scorpius, who was that — James? What happened?”

James couldn’t speak, he knew he would dissolve into tears then, and right now he needed to hold himself together. He looked helplessly at Albus, blinking back the tears.

“Do you need a place to stay?” Albus said, taking in James’ appearance with concern written across his face.

James nodded, and Albus gestured for him to come with.

“I’ll prepare the sofa bed for you.”

* * *

“You have to talk to him, James.”

Albus was sitting in front of him at the breakfast table, with a cup of warm tea cradled in his hands. James chewed his yoghurt with granola slowly, deliberately, not in the least interested in answering.

“James,” Albus said, exasperation making his voice sharp like a knife.

James shook his head. “Nope. Never. Don’t you think I have _any_ dignity left?”

Albus muttered something that sounded distinctly like “As if you even had any to begin with.”

“Hey, I heard that!” James said, jabbing his spoon towards his brother. “I thought we agreed on support.”

Albus sighed. “Yeah we did, but… Do you have any idea how hard it is to see you like this? I know this must be tearing you apart!”

James shook his head. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Albus sat up straighter, leaning forwards and into James’ personal space. “I don’t? I think the problem is I know _exactly_ what I’m talking about,” he said, fixing James with his unwavering gaze. “I know you, James,” he continued, his voice dropping. “I know this isn’t good for you, always being around someone you love without having your feelings returned. I think… I think you’d better move out.”

James refused to avert his gaze. He was so fucking annoyed with Albus for always thinking he was right about everything, for always giving his opinion regardless of whether was wanted or not. But the most annoying thing about him, the one that was hardest to forgive him for, was that he was right.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” James muttered, looking down at his bowl and shoving in another spoonful of yoghurt.

Albus didn’t say anything, but he kept tapping his fingers against his mug like he did when he had something he wanted to get out.

“What?” James ground out.

Albus took his time answering, like he was contemplating how he should express himself.

“What’s the worst that would happen if you talked to him?”

James scoffed. “Oh I don’t know. That he’ll finally know what an utterly pathetic loser I am for hoping that he could like me that way?”

Albus tilted his head slightly, narrowing his eyes. “And why couldn’t he like you that way?”

“Because!” James made a sweeping gesture with his hand to emphasize his point. “Teddy is… Teddy’s a proper grown up, isn’t he? I mean he’s an Auror, apparently a brilliant one considering what Dad’s been telling us. And he’s really smart. And… and funny, and —”

“You’re smart.”

James dropped his hand in shock at his brother’s words.

“Oh yes, that’s definitely what people associate me with and remember me for. ‘Have you met James Potter?’ ‘Who?’ ‘Oh, you know that smart bloke who’s always carrying a book under his arm. Did you hear he’s been awarded the Order of Merlin for extraordinary intelligence?’”

Albus started laughing.

“Do you seriously think that’s what makes people fall in love with you? Having book smarts and solving complicated problems?”

“I wouldn’t know, would I? The longest relationship I’ve had lasted for two months.”

Albus regarded him for a while, chewing the inside of his cheek. “Do you think…” he started, tentatively. “Do you think that maybe that has something to do with you being completely hung up on Teddy? That you don’t let them in properly, don’t show them the true James behind the fame.”

James stared at him, because he’d heard almost those exact words so many times before. Every time he’d been dumped he’d had those words thrown at him.

“Or maybe…” Albus started, but stopped, staring into the distance. “Maybe it’s not Teddy at all. Maybe…” 

He turned to James again, looking at him as if he was seeing him for the first time. James squirmed.

“What?”

Albus shook himself. “Nothing,” he said, looking like it was definitely something, but suddenly, James felt completely scrutinised by his brother, defenceless, and he didn’t like it, didn’t like what Albus had figured out, because he was trying very hard not to think about it himself.

“Jamie —”

“James,” James corrected him and Albus rolled his eyes.

“Ugh, _fine_. James.”

“Yes.”

Albus straightened up, and James got the feeling that he was about to deliver some Universal Truths, and James wasn’t sure he wanted to hear them.

“James, you… you do know that you’re worthy of love, don’t you? You do know that there is someone out there who will love you for you and not for some image that the media, or common knowledge, or even yourself, have created of you?”

“But the public image of me is so much more fun and sexy than the real thing!” James said, responding in the only way he knew how, a lame joke.

Albus opened his mouth as if to protest, but was interrupted by Scorpius entering the kitchen.

“Merlin, don’t ever let me sleep this late again Albus! I must’ve been lying in a weird position, my neck is killing me!” Scorpius said, rubbing his neck.

James hastily got up to put his dishes in the sink. Tears were prickling his eyes and he had to blink rapidly to keep them from spilling out, because he’d done enough crying in front of Scorpius. He could feel Albus’ eyes on him, but then Scorpius was giving Albus a kiss on the cheek and James took the opportunity to slink into the living room to fold the sofa bed.

Accompanied by the soft hum of Scorpius and Albus’ voices, thoughts about what Albus had told him swirled inside his head.

What if he dared to show his true self to someone? 

But what if he put himself out there and it didn’t work this time either? 

What if…

What if he was completely unlovable?

* * *

James tried, he really did, to be a good house guest and keep out of Albus and Scorpius’ way, but he knew his personality was so different from theirs, that they were tolerating his presence because they knew he was heart broken. There was also the problem that it hurt to see them acting like the couple in love that they were, and after a few days James gave up and went back home.

Teddy came out in the hallway when James dropped his bag on the floor next to his shoes.

“Well, look who decided to show up,” Teddy said, folding his arms across his chest. “Where the fuck have you been these past few days?”

“Training camp,” James mumbled, shoving past Teddy into his room.

“Oh, right. A training camp that started an evening after a training session, that you didn’t tell me about beforehand, and you never once considered leaving me a note?” Teddy said, hot on his heels. “Nevermind that I’ve been worried sick about you.”

“I thought you wouldn’t notice because you were too busy getting into that girl’s pants,” James muttered, unable to help himself even though he knew he was being unfair.

Teddy started, frowning.

“Excuse me?”

“Nevermind,” James said, unable to stand another minute in Teddy’s presence. “I’m going out.”

“You just fucking got here!”

James shrugged. “Yeah, well, a few team mates wanted to go out for a pint so I thought I’d join them.” He yanked on a new t-shirt, one of his tightest ones that he used when he wanted to pull. “Don’t wait up for me, okay?”

He shoved past Teddy and was out the door before he could protest any further.

And so began a pattern: Teddy would bring a new boyfriend or girlfriend home, James would be devastated and cope by going out to party and hopefully find someone to have some fun with. It was easy enough for him — he was a famous Quidditch player after all — and people were generally interested in talking to him when he was out in public. But he also had a knack for finding the ones who were newly dumped, who only wanted something fun and short. They were flattered by his attentions, and were all too happy to get with him. They needed a rebound, he wanted to forget, they always had a good time where they both knew it wasn’t going to last forever, and they parted amicably. It was a win-win situation, really.

Except that it never really helped, not in the long run, because when it ended he was still left with his feelings for Teddy that simply refused to die down.

Millie, a girl he’d been seeing for a few weeks, even said “I think you should tell him how you feel,” and when James had asked who she meant she had just smiled at him and kissed him on the cheek before leaving.

Things went on like this for months until he met David. Or he didn’t meet him so much as discovered that he was fun to be around. David was a reserve player for James’ Quidditch team, and with time, he and James had become good friends. At the end of one pub night they had ended up alone together, talking about everything and nothing, and it had been so easy. James had poured his heart out about how he never seemed to get over his infatuation with a certain person in his life, and how tired he was that he couldn’t settle for anyone else. David had smiled at him, telling him it would be alright in the end, in one way or another, and then hugged James. It had felt so natural, and somehow, for some reason, they had kissed and then one thing led to another until they went home to David’s to shag, and that had been the start of their relationship, for lack of a better word. They weren’t boyfriends, they were more like exclusive friends with benefits, but James liked it like that, and apparently, so did David. 

James really liked David. He wasn’t recently dumped like the others, he wasn’t star struck by James’ fame, and he made James feel good about himself, made him laugh and relax. Sometimes, James thought that if he wasn’t so hung up on Teddy, he might even try a relationship with David, because in many ways, they were perfect for each other.

But the biggest problem was, of course, that Teddy hated him.

It wasn’t that he was rude or very blatant about it, but it was obvious that he didn’t like David, so much so that even David himself noticed. 

It started the very first time James brought David home for a hang out, with the unspoken promise of some sex later. As they entered James and Teddy’s flat, laughing at some stupid joke that David had just told, Teddy came out into the hallway, looking uncharacteristically annoyed, like they were badly behaved teenagers. James didn’t even have the chance to introduce David, because Teddy looked at David’s hand resting on James’ shoulder, then promptly turned around and went out into the kitchen, clattering the pots unnecessarily hard. James shrugged and motioned for David to join him in the living room, making a detour past the fridge to grab them some beers, but he didn’t dare talk to Teddy, who looked like he was hiding something when James entered the kitchen. 

David and James had spent the good part of an hour lounging on the couch when Teddy appeared in the doorway, wearing an apron and a frown that would be imperceptible to most people, but James noticed it at once. He raised his eyebrow in a silent question to Teddy, whose frown just deepened before he walked away again.

“Is that your flatmate that you’re always talking about?” David asked quietly. “The famous Teddy?”

James nodded, taking a swig of his beer.

“Doesn’t he know how to greet people?”

James laughed. “I guess not. I think he’s just startled that I brought you tonight, I hadn’t warned him before.”

David looked at him in consternation. “Do you usually announce beforehand when you’re bringing someone over?”

James shrugged. “Not really. But I guess he had something planned or something. I don’t know, he usually doesn’t behave like this.”

David stretched and tried peeking out into the kitchen. “He had _something_ planned, that’s for sure,” he mumbled, so low that James almost couldn’t hear.

Half an hour later, Teddy showed up in the doorway again, shrugging on his jacket. He was wearing his tightest trousers, the ones that really showed off his arse. The ones he used when he wanted to bring someone home. James’ mouth went dry. He so wanted to be the one Teddy dressed up like that for, but he never would be. In an attempt to look away, he put his bottle of beer on the coffee table.

“I’m going out,” Teddy said.

“Yeah, that one is obvious,” James said, unable to leave the bitterness out of his voice.

Teddy looked between James and David, like he was assessing them both. “Don’t wait up.”

“You know, we might, but we’ll use silencing charms!” James said as Teddy turned away and left in quick strides, slamming the door shut after him. 

David whistled beside him. “What was that about?”

“What?”

“What do you mean ‘what’, I could practically cut the air with a knife!”

James shrugged, grabbing his bottle again. “Don’t know what you’re talking about,” he muttered.

David gave him an odd look, worrying his lip between his teeth. “James, I… I’ll be honest, I’ve been getting the impression that you’re in love with Teddy,” he said, and James almost choked on the mouthful of his beer that he’d just taken.

“What?!”

“Yeah. You talk about him all the time and you get this look on your face when you do. And don’t get me wrong! I mean, we agreed what we are, you and me, and I like this arrangement as well.” He regarded James for a bit, like he was deciding how to proceed. “I care about you, James, and I… do you think it’s such a good idea to be living with him? I mean, still, when it’s clearly making you miserable to see him go out looking like that.”

James scrubbed a hand over his face, snorting in disbelief. “Merlin, you should team up with Albus.”

David laughed. “Well, if Albus agrees with me I’ll consider myself on the right team.”

“Oh really? Are you sure about that?”

“Definitely,” David said, poking him in the ribs. “He’s clearly the brightest of the two of you.”

James grabbed a pillow and smacked David over the head with it. “You take that back!”

“Nope,” David said, laughing

James put one hand over his heart and the other to his forehead, tilting his head back. “My ego is severely hurt, I need some compensation for this wound.”

“I can think of a few ways to make it up to you,” David said, his voice dropping a pitch. “Want to show me your bedroom?”

“Nah, I think I’m good here on the couch,” James said as he started to undo the buttons of his jeans. 

* * *

The more time James spent with David, the more aggravated Teddy became, until one day they both exploded in a fight.

Of course, it started with something silly. In retrospect, James couldn’t even remember what had ignited the flame, but before long they were stood in the living room having a shouting match.

“I know you didn’t like it when I had casual relationships, but now you’re annoyed that I’ve been with the same person for months,” James screamed at the top of his lungs, frustrated that he could never seem to do the right thing. “What the fuck do I have to do to make you happy? And what the fuck is so wrong with David?”

Teddy laughed mirthlessly. “Oh nothing, if you like that brainless, buff kind of bloke with no sense or wit.”

“Oh, you mean someone like me?” James said, hating how his voice broke at the end of the sentence, but it was hard holding it together when Teddy basically confirmed what James had always suspected he thought.

You… You know that’s not what I meant.” Teddy looked deflated, appalled that James would suggest something like that.

“Then why can’t you just be happy for me?”

“Because!” Teddy said, gesturing vaguely in front of him. “Because you deserve better!”

“I do? Really? Well, until that better someone shows up, I’m settling for the guy who makes me feel good and happy and appreciated for who I am.”

Teddy paused, his mouth opening and closing like a fish. “I don’t make you feel good?” he said, his voice surprisingly tiny.

James sighed, all fight in him gone in the blink of an eye. “Course you do, Teddy, but… you know it’s not the same thing.”

Teddy looked like he was about to say something, but he closed his mouth and turned away. “You’re right, it’s not.” He sighed. “I’m sorry James, I guess I get a bit overprotective sometimes. I have to remember that you’re not my little brother.”

Teddy’s words felt like tiny knives, lodging themselves under James’ skin. Of course Teddy still saw him as someone more juvenile than him, not as an equal but as someone to protect because he couldn’t take care of himself. “Yeah. You’re right about that. We’re _nothing_ like brothers.”

And to emphasize how very much not juvenile he was, he stormed into his room and slammed the door. He didn’t mean to behave like a sulky teenager, but he also couldn’t stand to spend another second in Teddy’s presence. He faintly heard Teddy calling after him, but chose to ignore it. 

He’d thought that living with Teddy would be fun: even if he’d never feel the same way about James, they were still good friends, and James always felt good being around Teddy. But the way they were now was… straining. And the worst part was that James had the distinct feeling that there was something Teddy wasn’t being honest about.

He sighed. Maybe Albus and David were right, maybe he should move out so he could keep things friendly with Teddy. He’d have to think about it. Not today. Tomorrow maybe. Or the day after that.

Or the day after that.

* * *

James was 21 when he had to admit to himself that his feelings for Teddy were likely never to go away, but were growing deeper day by day. 

As a child, and in his early teens, he’d seen Teddy as his idol: the fun, mischievous friend who always riled up him and his siblings, making up ghost stories by the fire when they all decided to go camping for one night, starting water fights or food fights, or basically any kind of fight that was light hearted, hiding treasures and giving maps or a list of clues to the Potter and Weasley kids, having them search all over the backyard for what finally turned out to be just an old Celestina Warbeck album (and upsetting James’ dad in the process as his flower beds were unrecognizable afterwards). Being the oldest, Teddy was the natural leader of them all, and James was always his squire. 

But now that James was older, now that they were living together and were on friendly terms again, Teddy started sharing more personal things with James: thoughts about his parents, about his future, and he listened to and valued James’ opinions, making James feel like a proper grown up. Where everyone else seemed to still look at him as a rowdy teenager, Teddy seemed to see behind his carefree facade, saw the real James, his real feelings. 

Except, of course, the ones that James kept securely locked away.

After the first disastrous year they had finally managed to reach some sort of truce. James had put off the thoughts of moving out for so long that he’d eventually put them out of his head entirely. It had helped that David had been transferred to Wigtown Wanderers and moved to Scotland, so that James only saw him when he was in town, and made sure not to tell Teddy when he did. For once, both Teddy and James were single and not going out clubbing, or if they were, they weren’t bringing anyone else home, but returned together, crashing on the couch and sometimes falling asleep there. It felt safe and familiar, and James would be entirely content keeping life like this, even if he knew that he would never be good enough to have someone like Teddy for real.The only thing that kept him from really enjoying life right now was that niggling fear at the back of his head that Teddy would inevitably meet someone and break James’ heart again.

* * *

It was a regular Tuesday when James was brutally woken by his blinds being yanked up, letting the morning sun hit him right in his sleepy eyes. As he blinked them open, he saw Teddy standing by the side of his bed, hovering over him.

“Get up, sleepy head!” he said, far too chipper for this time of day.

James groaned and rolled over, covering his eyes.

“Ugh, what time is it?”

“It’s Get-your-lazy-arse-out-of-bed-time! It’s let’s go running because you made me promise to take you out to exercise even on your days off!”

James squinted up at Teddy, who was jogging on the spot, knees high. He groaned again, louder this time so that Teddy would understand how inconvenient this was. Even if he was happy that they had found a somewhat easy way to be around each other it didn’t mean that he enjoyed being dragged out of bed before noon on his day off. Even if he had suggested it himself in a moment of weakness. And even if it was by Teddy.

“I haven’t even had breakfast yet!” he whined, covering his face with his pillow, which Teddy snatched from him at once.

“And whose fault is that? You’ll be fine, just have a banana and a glass of water and we’ll make lunch after.”

James whined again, wordlessly this time, but Teddy didn’t seem to care. “You’re not going to give up, are you?” James asked him.

“Nope. Now get up.”

“Okay, _fine_ , let me just grab my, er…” he muttered, realising he wasn’t wearing anything, as usual when he was sleeping. He grabbed his wand from the night stand and summoned a pair of underwear from his top drawer, trying to put them on with the sheet still covering him.

Teddy made a small cough. “I’ll… I’ll let you get dressed in private,” he said, all gusto apparently vanished.

“Thanks,” James mumbled, happy to avoid a wrestling match with his bed covers. 

When he came out into the living room Teddy looked at him with exasperation.

“ _That’s_ what you’re wearing to go running?” he said. “Is that really what the professional Quidditch players are wearing for exercise?”

James looked down at his tracksuit bottoms: they were quite loose with a drawstring around the ankles and made of a material that rustled as he moved.

“What’s wrong with these?”

“Oh, nothing, if you want to get chafing on your thighs,” Teddy said, rolling his eyes.

“Okay, Mr Jogging Equipment Expert, what should I wear then?”

“You need running tights, obviously,” Teddy said simply. “Here, you can have one of my pairs.” He went into his room and came out with a pair of black tights, throwing them to James, who caught them deftly. “Sorry, I couldn’t find any unused ones. They’re not dirty or anything, but let me know if they smell,” he said, his cheeks looking a little pink.

James nearly choked. Was he supposed to use a pair of trousers that Teddy had already worn? Somehow it felt deeply intimate, in a way he couldn’t put his finger on. He shimmied out of his tracksuit bottoms to put the tights on, distantly registering Teddy making a strangled sound. He looked up.

“Something wrong? Is there a certain way to put them on as well, to avoid chafing?”

Teddy cleared his throat. “No. No, nothing’s wrong, I just… nevermind.” He looked down at his feet, hiding his face behind his hair.

James pulled up the tights and marveled at the level of comfort they provided. “Wow, these feel really nice!” he said, twisting and turning while looking at how the material followed every movement. “I’ve been reluctant to use them because I get the feeling they’d emphasise the package moving as well, but I can easily look past that when it feels this good.”

He looked up at Teddy, who was watching him with an indecipherable look.

“You know… maybe this wasn’t such a good idea,” Teddy said.

“Why? Afraid I’ll beat you? How far are you planning to have us run? Until I wear them out?”

Teddy laughed quietly, shaking his head. “No, it’s… it’s fine, forget I said anything.”

James wasn’t sure what Teddy meant by that, but he decided to put it out of his mind.

“Great, last person home is an old garden gnome!” he said, flinging the door open and bouncing down the stairs, with Teddy running after him yelling “Hey, that’s cheating!”

When they got home, James was thoroughly exhausted, and Teddy, who was more used to running, seemed a bit breathless too.

“Shit, I’m starving, but I need to stretch if I’m going to be able to sit on a broom tomorrow, that last kilometre really put the nail in my coffin.”

Teddy laughed, but it turned into a cough when James lay down on the floor, his leg bent in front of him and the other one stretched out behind him.

“Are you alright, Teddy? You haven’t caught a cold or something?” James asked him, his voice muffled as he had his forehead pressed to the floor. “Oh, fuck that feels good,” he groaned as he arched his back a bit and really felt the burn in his buttock.

“Er, no, not cold, no,” Teddy said, his voice sounding even more strained. “Maybe it’s something to do with pollen or… something.”

“Oh, right.” James switched position, sitting up and putting the soles of his feet together, pressing his knees apart. Teddy disappeared into the kitchen. “Hey, where are you going?”

“I’m putting on the stove to boil some pasta water, you can come help me when you’ve finished doing… that.”

“I can help you if you’d like? With stretching?”

Teddy peeked out just as James had positioned himself on his knees and leaned back to grab his ankles, but returned to the kitchen at once. “Thanks, I’m fine.”

“Okay, but don’t blame me when you get sore muscles!”

“I’ll try not to!”

James continued stretching out his quads, hamstrings and calves before he went to join Teddy. He was standing by the worktop, looking utterly lost. James snorted.

“Here, let me do it,” he said, and Teddy gave him a grateful smile.

“Yeah, probably for the best, I never could cook to save my life.”

“At least you can boil the pasta without fucking things up, right?”

Teddy laughed and went to the food cupboard. “Don’t be so sure.”

James took out his favourite knife and started chopping an onion. “Do you at least know how to do this?”

“In theory. Also it would take me forever and I know you’ll do a better job.”

James snorted. “For a Hufflepuff you’re very sneaky, using compliments to make me do what you want.”

“Oh no, and I’ve been so subtle about it, how can you be onto me already?”

James laughed. “I honestly don’t know how you managed to live on your own for so long without starving to death before I moved in.”

“Haven’t really been living on my own. And have you never heard of the wonder that is takeaway?”

James shook his head, amused. He chucked the onions into a frying pan along with a splash of oil, then started peeling cloves of garlic.

“Well they’re nothing compared to a nice home cooked meal.”

“And that’s what grandmas are for,” Teddy said with a crooked grin which made James snort.

“Fair point. Now can you at least stir the onions or do you need help with that as well? I’m kinda sticky.”

Teddy jumped down from the counter where he had perched himself, grabbing the spatula James indicated.

When James deemed the onions cooked enough he added the garlic, stirring quickly before pouring in a splash of wine, crushed tomatoes and sprinkling some sugar in. Teddy was looking at him in awe.

“I know from experience this is going to be delicious, how do you do that with these simple ingredients?”

“It’s all about the love, baby,” James said, biting his lip as he immediately regretted the words. They sounded so childish and they made him want to sink through the ground. But Teddy chuckled.

“Which you have a lot of, I’m sure,” he said, and then promptly turned away to put the pasta into the boiling water.

Fifteen minutes later, James crumbled some feta cheese into the pot and finished with some chopped fresh basil.

“Okay, almost done, you can make yourself useful by setting the table,” he told Teddy over his shoulder.

“Oh I’d love to, but nature calls,” Teddy said, rounding the corner. James heard the bathroom door close and he snorted. Everyone always thought that Teddy was so honourable and honest, but James knew how cheeky and calculating he could be to wiggle himself out of things he found boring.

He levitated plates, glasses and cutlery and had them trail after him into the living room where their dining table stood, thinking that for once they could use it instead of wolfing the food down sitting on the sofa like they usually did.

“Merlin, the food smells delicious!” Teddy said, returning from the bathroom. “You really spoil me sometimes, Jamie.”

James looked up at him, but Teddy was occupied shoveling pasta onto his plate, his cheeks a little flushed.

While they ate Teddy kept raving about how delicious the food was, making James feel a little flustered but very pleased. He loved to hear Teddy praising him, and somehow, even though he knew it was ridiculous because it would never happen, this situation made him feel like maybe they could have something together in the future.

After they had both finished eating, Teddy practically licking his plate, they started clearing up.

“Hey, do you want to use the shower first or…?” Teddy called from the kitchen.

“Um, I’m fine either w—” James started but was cut off as the Floo whooshed to life and Victoire’s voice called out.

“Teddy? Teddy! Are you — oh, hi James! You’re here, I had no idea!”

“Yeah, I uh, I live here, remember?” he said, confused by how surprised she looked.

“Oh, yes! Yes of course I remember, it’s just… is Teddy there?”

“Yeah, sure, he’s here. How are you? I had no idea you were back from France,” he said, and he distinctly thought her expression changed into one of guilt: she cast her eyes down and started twirling a lock of her hair between her fingers.

“Yeah, um, I’ve been back a few days, didn’t Teddy tell you?”

“No, I think I would’ve remembered if —”

“Victoire!” Teddy said behind him, cutting him off as he practically sprinted towards the Floo, looking flustered. “Hi, sorry, didn’t we say one o’clock?”

Victoire looked from Teddy to James, blinking. “It’s ten past.”

“Yeah, British time?” Teddy said, giving her a significant look. 

“Oh! Oh right, of course! Sorry! I haven’t adjusted yet.”

“No worries,” Teddy said, sounding like there were all the worries in the world. “Now’s not a good time, though, we were just about to shower.” Victoire’s eyes went wider and Teddy hastened to add “Separately! I was going to shower and James was going to shower, one after the other.” 

James stared at Teddy as he kept rambling on. Why was he so adamant about telling Victoire they were taking separate showers? 

“Can I… I’ll call you later, okay?” Teddy said eventually. 

“Of course. Sure. Sorry!”

James looked between the two of them, one looking guiltier than the other, both of them refusing to look at either him or each other.

“I’ll talk to you later then, Teddy. Nice to see you again James!” Victoire said and then quickly closed the connection. The room fell awkwardly quiet.

“What was that about?” 

Teddy scratched his neck. “Hmm? Oh, you know Victoire, she takes after her mother a lot when it comes to planning and time and such. You know how the French are!”

“Yeah, not what I was referring to,” James said, but Teddy didn’t seem to hear him because he was returning to the kitchen, practically throwing the plates and glasses into the sink by the sound of it. 

“Why don’t you take a shower first and I’ll finish up in here?” Teddy called from the kitchen.

James frowned. It was clear neither Teddy or Victoire had wanted him to find out they were talking to each other. Why? He didn’t want to press anymore because Teddy was obviously not keen on answering. 

The only explanation he could think of, he realised later as he stood in front of the bathroom mirror with a sinking feeling in his stomach, was that they were seeing each other again and didn’t want people to find out about it yet. And suddenly, he saw more and more signs pointing to how Teddy had started dating Victoire again. Like how Teddy had been allegedly single for the past months, which he seldom was. And usually he always managed to touch James in friendly ways, a pat on the back or a tickle of his ribs or even a hug here and there, which always made James extremely embarrassed and simultaneously crave more. But lately, now that James thought about it, Teddy had stopped with that. James was even sure that on several occasions, Teddy had meant to do one of those things but refrained. Which could only mean that he was being serious with Victoire.

Having that taken away from him as well, James thought as he stepped in under the spray of hot water, those little moments of physical contact, even if they were completely platonic, that would be like losing Teddy completely this time.

* * *

Victoire showing up in their Floo wasn’t the last time odd things happened relating to her. One day as James came home from the pitch he was sure he heard a woman’s hushed voice as he closed the door behind him. Two seconds later, Teddy came out into the hallway, looking like he was caught red handed.

“Oh hey, Jamie, you’re home! How was practice?” he said, rubbing his neck which made his t-shirt ride up and expose a sliver of his stomach. 

James had to shake himself. He’d been living with Teddy for over a year now, when would he stop getting hot and bothered every time he saw a bit of skin?

“Um, fine. The usual I guess. Was that Vic?” he asked.

“Oh, erm, yeah, yeah it was. She was just… wondering if I had heard the latest outrageous gossip about Dominique.”

“Right.”

Even if James knew Teddy enough to realise when he wasn’t being entirely truthful, this time he was as subtle as an erumpent in a china shop. He kept averting his gaze and James had the distinct feeling that he was hiding something. Were he and Victoire really getting back together? Why wouldn’t Teddy tell him about it? Even if he’d hate for Teddy to start a relationship yet again with someone who wasn’t James, it would be better to have him be honest.

“Are you hungry? I could nip down to the Chinese place around the corner and get us some dinner,” Teddy said.

“Sure, that would be nice.”

James hung up his Quidditch gear and took out two butterbeers while Teddy was gone, and he couldn’t let go of the thoughts about Victoire, and Teddy being so secretive about her. It didn’t make sense, they were usually so open with each other. Except for how James was hopelessly in love with Teddy, he’d shared some of his most private feelings and thoughts with him, and he’d got the impression that Teddy had done the same. Why not now, when James really needed it? Had Teddy figured out that James was a pining idiot and wanted to spare his feelings?

Twenty minutes later, Teddy returned with a bag of steaming food. 

“Here, I got you the gong bao,” he said, handing the box to James, who took it gratefully. 

“My favourite,” he said quietly.

“I know,” Teddy said, looking at him like he was daft. “It’s hard not to notice those things when you’ve been living with someone for a while, isn’t it?”

He went to sit down on the couch, tucking into his own chow mein, avoiding James’ gaze for some reason. James went to join him, and they ate in silence until Teddy lightened the mood by telling the story about how he and James’ dad had managed to set a table in the Auror’s break room on fire that morning. James almost spit out his food as he howled with laughter at the thought of his dad panicking so much that he forgot the _aguamenti_ spell, and Teddy looked incredibly pleased with himself for causing that reaction.

After dinner, they were lying sprawled out on one end each of the couch, talking in slow unhurried voices.Teddy’s hand had ended up on James’ shin at some point, and James was actually lying in a pretty uncomfortable angle, but he didn’t want to move and make Teddy notice it. He’d missed Teddy’s hands on him and if Teddy became aware of what he was doing now he’d probably remove his hand.

“Remember when we were little and we used to sneak around the garden in the Burrow and fool Albus and Lily into believing there was a portal in the garage that led to another dimension?” Teddy said. 

James chuckled. “Yeah. I loved doing that. You were always so much fun to hang around.”

“Well, I really missed having siblings. Sometimes, I was so jealous of the three of you, because you always had each other. But then, you always made me feel included. And it was a comfort that Harry had kind of the same when he grew up. I mean, apart from the nasty relatives he had.”

James didn’t say anything, he had such mixed emotions about this. It made him happy and proud that Teddy thought of his family as his own, but at the same time, Teddy sounded as if he was talking about how much of a brother James was to him, and he was so far from those feelings himself. 

“I just… your family has always been my fixed point, you know? I’ve felt like it’s my family too, like I had siblings even if they weren’t by blood.”

It felt like an icy cold hand was squeezing his heart. There was no doubt in James’ mind now, Teddy was obviously talking about how James was like a brother to him. Had he figured it out? Was this his way to let James down easy without humiliating him by saying flat out that he wasn’t interested? Because James knew they would never happen, had accepted that long ago, but hearing Teddy talk about it this way was still torture.

He had to clear his throat to be able to talk. “Yeah, I know. And we feel the same way, Teddy. You’ll always be a part of our family.”

“Even if… even if I were to have feelings for… for someone in the family?”

James’ heart sank even deeper. Of course. Of course, he was talking about Victoire, and he was worried about what would happen if they got back together, and now he was hinting at it to gauge James’ reaction. James wanted to say something encouraging, but he couldn’t bring himself to form the words.

“I guess feelings can’t be helped, don’t worry about it,” he said, getting up. Teddy sat up and looked at him, surprised. “Sorry, I need to go to bed now, I’m completely exhausted and I have an early morning tomorrow.”

“Oh. Okay.” Teddy sounded so disheartened, and James wanted to tell him something encouraging, be a supportive friend, but he just couldn’t muster it. “Well, good night then, Jamie,” Teddy said, biting his lip and looking down on his knees. “Sweet dreams.”

“Yeah, you too.” James muttered, leaving the room as fast as he could without making it seem like he was running. Because that’s what he wanted to do. Run and not have Teddy see how devastated he was.

* * *

A week later, James was lounging on the couch, reading a book when Teddy suddenly appeared in the doorway.

“Jamie?” he said quietly, and James looked up at him.

“Yeah?”

“About… about your birthday this weekend,” Teddy said, scratching his neck the way he did when he was nervous about something, or hiding something. “I forgot to tell you, I’m scheduled for a night shift.”

“Oh.” 

“Yeah, so I won’t be able to make it to your party,” Teddy said, eyes flitting around the room, looking anywhere but at James.

James tried not to show how disappointed he was. Maybe this was for the better. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to hide how he was feeling about Teddy and Victoire if he were to get drunk and have his inhibitions loosened. “Well, there’s always next year. That’s the beauty of birthdays, they always return,” he said, hating how chipper his voice sounded.

“Well, I was thinking, what if I made you dinner the night before so we could celebrate then instead?”

James’ heart skipped a beat, the traitor. Teddy wanted to make him dinner? He didn’t know why, but even though they had dinner together all the time, this suggestion felt different, more weighted, or serious. 

“Um, yeah, sure, that sounds nice. I have practice until half past six and then I need to shower, but I should be home at a reasonable time.”

He wasn’t sure if it was only his imagination that Teddy’s eyes widened slightly, but the cough he made definitely wasn’t.

“Yeah. Yeah sure. I’ll make sure to have it ready after your, er, practice. And shower.”

“Okay. Thanks,” James said, feeling inexplicably awkward.

Teddy nodded, shoving his hands into his pockets. “I’d better be off for work, I’ll see you later Jamie.”

“Have fun,” James said, regretting the words immediately, but Teddy laughed and shook his head before Disapparating with a faint pop.

The room felt extraordinarily quiet after Teddy had gone. James tried to return to his book, but after a while he noticed that he kept reading the same sentence over and over again. With a sigh he closed it and decided to go out for a walk instead to keep his mind off Teddy and what was happening with them.

* * *

“Potter, focus!” The sonorused voice of James’ coach Amelia Harrod rang out over the pitch. “That’s the fifth time you’ve dropped the Quaffle!”

“Sorry coach!” James called back.

He knew she was right, he really was having a hard time concentrating, because his mind constantly returned to the flat where Teddy was now making him dinner. Which they would eat together. Just the two of them. Teddy hadn’t really mentioned anything about tonight, or given James any sort of hint that he was interested in him romantically, but James couldn’t help but feel nervous anyway, like something significant was about to happen.

“Just get down here!”

With a sigh, James turned around and flew towards her.

“I’m really sorry, coach, I’ll try to snap out of it.”

“Look, Potter, I’ve known you for a long time, I know when there’s something on your mind and when you’re able to shake it off. This isn’t one of those occasions.”

Of all the things he had imagined her saying, this was definitely not one of them, and he stared at her in astonishment.

“Tell you what, do a few laps and then you can hit the showers. Take an early night.” She winked at him and then flew off to instruct the rest of the team.

James’ stomach churned. Somehow, now that the dinner was approaching faster than he had anticipated, he was even more nervous. 

He did his laps and went into the changing rooms, letting the water get boiling hot before he got in. He sighed as he stepped under the spray. Even though he’d barely done anything tonight, he was exhausted. His muscles were sore since he was so tense, and he spent longer in the shower than usual, trying to ease out the knots and kinks in his shoulder, and at the same time postpone the moment when he would return home. To Teddy, and whatever else was awaiting him in their flat. 

When he had put his clothes on, the rest of the team started filing into the changing rooms, and he waved to them all before he Apparated to the designated spot nearest his and Teddy’s flat, walking on unsteady legs and opening the door with trembling hands. The smells that wafted towards him as he opened the door were mouth watering, and he was just about to call out when he caught a glimpse of shockingly white blond hair in the living room. He set down his bag carefully and snuck towards the living room, peeking around the door frame. And sure enough, there was Victoire, and she was holding Teddy tightly in her arms, his hands resting on the small of her back. Victoire was murmuring something in Teddy’s ear, and he let his head drop to her shoulder with a soft gust of air.

The moment seemed to stretch on for eternity. It felt like a rug had been yanked out from under James’ feet, he seemed to have lost his balance. He didn’t know what to do, couldn’t stand to keep watching this intimate moment between his cousin and the man he’d been in love with for so long. It hurt too much to go through this again. The only conscious thought he had was to get out of there as soon as possible, away from the hurt and loss.

* * *

The club was packed, there were people everywhere and James was in the middle of the dancing mass, shaking his arse and shimmying his hips. He was pleasantly buzzed: the first few shots having softened the edges around his broken heart, and if he concentrated really hard, he was free, he was happy. So what if he couldn’t be with the only one he had ever truly loved, it wasn’t as if he ever had been anyway. He was used to this by now, used to seeing everyone else in the world but him know what it was like to be with Teddy. And if this time it hurt even more because he’d thought he’d finally get to be with him, that would subside as well eventually.

So what if he’d spend the rest of his life without him? He wasn’t meant to be tied down, was he? He was meant to enjoy life, to let others enjoy it with him, seeking and giving pleasure wherever he went.

Images of Teddy and Victoire and thet kind of activities they were probably occupied with right now were constantly trying to invade his mind, attacking him from every angle, but he batted them away with a shake of his head, closing his eyes and screaming along to the lyrics of the song currently playing. Somewhere along the line his shirt had come off, but he was unfazed by that, and instead he enjoyed the approving looks he got from people around him, of all genders. One bloke in particular had been eyeing him for some time from afar and was now dancing up to him. He grabbed James’ hips, grinding his crotch against his arse and James felt his erection through his trousers.

“Care to join me in the gents?” the bloke murmured in his ear and James had never heard a better idea in his life. 

Yes. Yes, he needed to pull tonight, he needed to show everyone, himself included, that he did _not_ care one bit about what, or who, Teddy was doing right now. He answered by slinging his arm around the bloke’s neck, licking along his jawline and pressing his arse closer to him. The man growled and grabbed James’s hand, spinning him around and dragging him away from the throng of dancing people.

“Fuck, you’re hot,” the man said as he pressed James up against the door to the toilets, kissing along his neck and sucking a little too hard against his skin.

James let his head fall back against the door. This was great. It was great, it wasn’t as if he needed to be touched in a particular kind of way. So what if this bloke was too rough and didn’t seem to get what James liked, it wasn’t as if they would ever see each other again. To be with someone for just tonight was good enough for now. If he was even able to get hard, which seemed impossible right now, but that was probably because of the alcohol.

Something niggled in the back of his mind though. He wasn’t entirely comfortable with this kind of public display, even if it was a Muggle club and he wasn’t risking his picture being blown up in _The Prophet_. He opened his eyes to try and find the door handle, when a flash of bright blue hair caught his eye. 

Teddy was standing a few feet away, eyes darker than ink, his jaw clenched. James pushed the other man off him but straightened up and jutted his chin in defiance as Teddy approached him.

“Jamie, what the fuck?” 

James had never seen Teddy this way, his eyes flashing dangerously, and for the first time James could sense the werewolf heritage in him.

“What?” he said, crossing his arms across his chest, suddenly extremely aware that he was half naked.

“What do you mean ‘what’? I’ve been looking all over for you, I was worried sick when you didn’t show up!”

“Oh, really, you were? I’m surprised you even noticed I didn’t come,” James said, shaking his hair out of his eyes.

Teddy frowned. “What are you talking about?”

James swallowed, not wanting to admit what he had seen because then Teddy would _know_. He would know how James felt about him, would know how pathetically he was pining. But he couldn’t not say anything. “I came home early and I saw you. With _her_.”

Teddy’s eyes went wide. “Oh.”

“Yeah, ‘oh’. So excuse me for not particularly fancying sitting with the two of you being all cute and cuddly all evening when it was supposed to be a dinner with just you and me.”

“Wait, what did you see exactly?”

“I saw enough!” James said, tears now prickling behind his eyes. “I saw your arms around her, I saw —” Suddenly there was a big lump in his throat as the memory that he had been fighting so hard to block out the entire evening came thundering back, magnified now, and he was almost convinced he had caught them necking on the dinner table. “I saw her hand in your hair, I saw her whispering something in your ear. So I figured, if you’re busy tonight then I’ll make myself busy as well. And just because _you_ don’t want me doesn’t mean no one else does!”

Teddy stared at him wide eyed. “But… I _do_ want you Jamie,” he said finally, so quietly it was barely noticeable through the loud music. “I’ve wanted you for quite some time now. I… I thought you knew.”

James halted. “What?”

“Hey, are you going to be cock blocking me all night?” someone said behind James, and he turned around. He’d already forgotten about the other bloke, who was now glaring at Teddy.

Teddy sighed. “Can we talk somewhere more private?” He grabbed James’ hand and James let himself be led off towards the cloakrooms, ignoring What’s-his-face shouting “Hey!” after them. Teddy stopped when they reached a secluded corner, surreptitiously casting a silencing charm around them.

“Listen, James, Victoire was only there to help me prepare dinner. You know I’m pants at cooking, and I wanted tonight to be special.” Teddy was speaking quickly, like he wanted to get everything out before James ran away again.

James swallowed. Teddy had wanted the night to be special. And he had completely ruined it by running off like a stroppy teenager. “So… you and Victoire…?”

“We’re just friends. You know that, don’t you? There’s been nothing between us besides friendship for years now.”

“But she’s so… I know you’ve always had a soft spot for her.”

Teddy snorted. “I guess I have, in some ways. She’s one of my best friends, one of the few people besides you who really knows me. But… she’s not you.”

James let out a shaky breath, suddenly unable to look Teddy in the face, not daring to believe he’d heard right. But Teddy stepped closer, sliding his hand up along James’ arm. 

“Jamie…” he said, his voice raspy and fragile, and James finally looked up into his eyes. They were dark, Teddy’s mouth open a bit, his bottom lip wet and as James leaned forwards to meet him, his hand cupped James’ cheek, tilting his head up. James held his breath as Teddy brushed their lips together, his mouth so soft and fitting against James’ so perfectly. He had imagined his first kiss with Teddy so many times, but it had always been somewhere secluded, romantic, like by the sea, or on the Quidditch pitch after everyone had left, or even in their flat. He’d never imagined it to be in a crowded club in the middle of the night, when he was drunk out of his mind and right after he had just been felt up by another man. But when Teddy pressed himself closer to him, it felt just right, and the only word flowing through his mind was “finally, _finally_ ”.

They broke apart, but Teddy didn’t let go of him, still holding on tightly as he whispered “Let’s get out of here, shall we?”

James nodded.

“Yes. Take me home.”

* * *

It took them three tries to end up on the right Apparition point, as James was too inebriated and Teddy kept getting distracted by James groping him and trying to kiss him. When they finally entered their flat, James promptly stumbled over the bag that he’d left behind and had to flail his arms to keep from falling. Teddy laughed and hauled him in, holding him close.

“Merlin, how much have you had to drink?” he chuckled, his warm breath tickling James’ ear and sending shivers down his spine. 

“Just enough to make me feel good,” James said breathlessly, trying to keep Teddy’s face in focus, which was hard since it kept moving from side to side. At Teddy’s appraising look he said “Okay fine, a couple of drinks. And beers. And five shots.”

“Seriously? That’s enough to take out —” Teddy began but was cut off as James started rutting against him, squeezing his arse. “Wait, wait. Jamie, wait.”

James stopped abruptly, heart sinking. Of course he’d been too eager and now Teddy regretted the whole thing. James pulled away, trying not to let his disappointment show.

“Yeah, you’re right, this was probably a stupid idea, we should— ”

“I still want us to fuck,” Teddy said and James sucked in a breath. “I just don’t want to do it like this. It… it wouldn’t be right.”

James stepped closer again. Teddy’s shirt felt rough against his bare skin. “But it feels really good. This is what I want. What I’ve wanted for _years_.”

Teddy swallowed. “I know. It _does_ feel good. But you’re drunk off your arse James and, well… I don’t want our first time to be like this.”

James blinked. Our first time. Teddy had said “Our first time”, indicating that he wanted there to be more times after that, and James wanted to throw himself at him again.

“What about a sobering potion, then? Do we have any?” he said, snapping his fingers and feeling a little proud of himself for managing to come up with that solution.

“That’s certainly an option,” Teddy said, but then his face fell. “I don’t think we have any though. I’ll check my room.”

They searched the kitchen, the bathroom, their respective rooms and the entire living room, including behind the books and under the sofa. James tried _Accio_ on several occasions, but nothing appeared (although that could be because he kept pronouncing it “Askio”). James let out a groan of frustration when Teddy cast the spell and nothing happened for him either.

“Fuck! Are there any apothecaries that are open at night?”

Teddy chuckled, scratching his head. “I’m pretty sure they don’t carry these kinds of potions, since they’re not entirely necessary.”

“Well that’s bloody stupid,” James said, pouting.

“You know what, it’s ridiculously late anyway. We could just cuddle and then we’ll have time tomorrow.”

“But I don’t want to wait anymore!” James said, stomping his foot and not caring that he sounded like a whiny three year old. “Can’t you drink enough to catch up with me?”

Teddy laughed. “No. It still wouldn’t be right. But it’s fine, Jamie. Really”

“It bloody well isn’t you stubborn fucking wanker,” James muttered.

“Oi! Do you plan to kiss me again with that mouth?” Teddy said, eyes glittering.

“Well there’s a lot of things I plan to do to you with this mouth, but I guess you’ll just have to wait for that, won’t you?” James said and was pleased to hear Teddy’s sharp intake of breath. And then it dawned on him. Who had always been there to support him through all these years?

He went to the hearth, grabbing a pinch of Floo powder that was bigger than strictly necessary, and threw it in the fire. Kneeling, he stuck his head in and gave the right address. It was uncomfortable to have his head spin through the Floo network when it was already spinning so much from the alcohol, and just as he felt like he would be sick, it stopped.

“Al-bus!” he shouted, hiccuping slightly. “Hey Al! _Al!_ D’you have any sobering potion?”

He heard some scuffling and a moment later Scorpius’ surprised face floated into sight. His hair was sticking up in odd places and he squinted.

“James?” he slurred, rubbing at his eyes. “What time is it? What are you doing here?”

“I need a sobering potion, do you have one?”

“I don’t know. Why do you need one at—” he yawned widely, looking to the side “2 o’clock in the morning?”

“Because Teddy says he won’t fuck me until I take one!” James whined, which made Teddy hiss “shut _up!_ ” and kick him in the shin.

There was a thud and a muffled yell and then Albus’ knobbly knees passed by the fireplace, then James heard some shuffling before Albus returned with a phial.

“Is it true? You’re finally doing it?!” he said, beaming at James.

“We are now, thanks to you!” James shouted happily as he grabbed the phial that Albus was holding out with a tong.

“Do you have lube?” Albus asked. “I mean, enough of it?”

“Teddy! Albus is wondering if we have lube! Do we have lube?” James shouted, barely noticing both Albus and Scorpius wincing.

Teddy groaned. “Yes. Yes, James, we have enough lube to last us a lifetime,” he said, kicking him in the shin again and sounding thoroughly embarrassed.

“We have lube!” James told Albus and Scorpius. “Thanks, Al, I owe you one!” He paused, thinking. “Or I guess we could say we’re even for me not telling Mum and Dad about what really happened with their potting table in the garden.”

Scorpius spluttered and Albus hissed “I thought we agreed never to mention that incident again,” but James closed the connection and bounced up on his feet, holding up the bottle of potion in triumph. He uncapped it and tipped his head back, downing it in one big gulp. He almost choked as the taste of old socks and cabbage hit his taste buds. “Ugh, that’s vile,” he said with a grimace. “Take this as a sign of how much I love you for me to drink this shit,” he said. Teddy’s eyes widened and as James began sobering up he realised what he’d said. “I mean — ” he started, but didn’t finish the sentence as Teddy surged forward, pressing him up against the mantlepiece and crashing their lips together.

James felt like he had vertigo. Their first kiss in the club had been so sweet, so tender and he had gone weak in the knees from it. But now, Teddy was kissing him with an intensity James hadn’t known he possessed, running his hands through James’ hair and angling his head to kiss him deeper. But when his tongue slid against James’ lips and James tried to meet him, he felt a twinge of pain.

“Ow,” he said, turning his head away.

“What?” Teddy panted, his eyes heavily lidded and dark. “What’s wrong?”

“Fuck, my… my tongue hurts. Ugh, that idiot in the club must’ve done something to —”

Teddy grabbed his chin, twisting his head back towards him. “What did he do? Did he hurt you?”

“I… not on purpose, but he kept sucking on my tongue, he must’ve done it so hard that the frenulum got strained.”

Teddy’s gaze on him changed to one of possessiveness. He slid his thumb along James’ lower lip, making him want to suck it into his mouth. “Open,” he said, and James obeyed at once, lifting his tongue as well. “Yeah it looks a little red,” Teddy said, fishing out his wand from his inside pocket and aiming it at James’ mouth, muttering “ _Episkey_ ”. James sighed contentedly as the pain subsided and he could feel the swelling go down. Teddy’s thumb was still resting on his lip, and he closed his mouth around it, sucking it in, swirling his tongue around it before letting it go with a faint pop.

“Much better,” he said, and Teddy growled, kissing him fiercely again.

“Fuck James, seeing you with that absolute _fucker_ , I thought I would lose my mind.”

“I think I had already lost mine,” James said, pushing his crotch against Teddy’s and moaning as he found him just as hard as he was. “I thought you could never want me as much as I’ve wanted you.”

“How can you say that?” Teddy grabbed his arse and pressed them even closer. “How could I not want you, Jamie? You’re — oh _fuck_ that feels good,” he said as James started undulating his hips.

“I’m what?” James said, thirsty for hearing Teddy’s praise.

“What do you want me to say, Jamie? That I can't take my eyes off you? That I've been dreaming of having you every way possible?” Teddy whispered into his ear, his voice strained.

“It’s a start.”

“You know you’re magnetic Jamie. You know that it’s physically impossible to not look at you, to not want to be around you and your energy.”

Teddy tugged at his hips, beckoning James to follow into his bedroom, sliding his hands back to James’ buttocks as they moved.

“Merlin, Jamie, your arse, you have no idea how many times I’ve fantasised about burying my face in it.”

James’ cock twitched at Teddy’s words. He could almost feel Teddy’s tongue swirling around his rim. “Well, there’s… there’s nothing stopping you,” he said, his head spinning with desire and want.

Teddy shook his head and started to unbutton his jeans. “I’m too close. I need to — I want to — “

“You want to fuck me?” James batted Teddy’s hands away and took over the task of opening Teddy’s trousers. “You want to bury your cock in my arse instead?” He pushed the jeans down, palming Teddy’s cock through his underwear, letting out a gasp at the wonderful soft hardness of him. “Oh fuck, Teddy, I can’t wait, I can’t wait to have you inside me.” 

Teddy let out a shaking breath, nodding frantically. He grabbed the hem of his t-shirt and yanked it over his head, the muscles of his torso moving tantalisingly. James brought his hands around Teddy’s back, pressing himself as close as he could, feeling a wave of pleasure at Teddy’s naked skin against his own.

“I’m all yours, Teddy, in all the ways you want me.”

Teddy pushed him down onto the bed, crawling on top of him, kissing him deeply and running his hands all over James’ chest. 

“Fuck Jamie,” he panted, his breath hot in James’ ear, “do you have any idea how beautiful you are? Do you have any idea what you do to me?”

James closed his eyes, stifling a gasp. He knew that he looked good, that he had a conventionally attractive body, with all the training he did. All his other partners over the years had always praised him for it, telling him how hot he was, how desirable they found him, but hearing it from Teddy, with such awe in his voice, was another thing entirely. He couldn’t get enough, all the words went straight to his heart and he wanted to drink them all in.

Teddy moved down, kissing, licking, nipping along James’ stomach until James was delirious with want. He’d always enjoyed sex, but this time was different: he’d never been with someone who seemed to know so intuitively how he wanted it, where and how to touch him. Everywhere Teddy put his fingers there were tiny explosions of pleasure, every touch making him hungrier for the next.

Finally, Teddy reached the waistband of James’ trousers and swiftly undid them. James lifted his hips to help Teddy push them down and then untangle them from his legs. Teddy turned to him again, stilling and letting out a rush of air. James looked up at him questioningly.

“Oh, Jamie.” There was such reverence in Teddy’s voice, like he couldn’t believe this was happening, and then he lay himself over James, the entire length of his body coming into glorious contact with James’, his weight atop James grounding, his skin soft and warm and irresistable, and James was on fire. Grabbing Teddy’s hair, he angled his head to kiss him deeply, licking into his mouth, their tongues sliding wetly against each other.

“I can’t tell you how many times I’ve fantasised about doing this with you, feeling you like this,” Teddy said before he kissed James again, slower this time, sweeter. James was unable to answer, so gone that he barely knew what was up and what was down anymore.

“Tell me how you want this,” Teddy whispered, the tiny puffs of air tickling James. “Tell me how you want me to fuck you.”

James tried to think, to focus. He was so turned on that his only conscious thought was to get Teddy inside him as fast as possible. “I want — I want to see you,” he said finally. “I want to ride you.”

Teddy nodded, rolling over onto his back and bringing James around to straddle him, his cock sliding between James’ arse cheeks, grazing his hole. James was dizzy with desire, they were finally doing this, he was finally going to know what it felt like to have Teddy inside him. He stilled, sucking his bottom lip into his mouth. Teddy looked at him with a confused frown.

“What? Is something wrong?”

James shook his head, leaning forwards and capturing Teddy’s mouth in a searing kiss, unable to tell Teddy what he was feeling, afraid he would scare him with the intensity of his emotions.

Teddy brought a hand up to cup his head, his fingers tangling in James’ hair, his nails lightly scraping his scalp, and James preened. He loved it when people played with his hair, but usually they didn’t do it the right way, only concentrating on twirling it lightly between their fingers which wasn’t half as enjoyable as when they pulled a little, or dragged their fingers against his head. But as with everything else, Teddy seemed to know exactly how James wanted it.

Then Teddy let go and reached over to his night stand.

“Nooo, don’t stop!” James whined in protest, but when he saw that Teddy was holding a bottle of lube he went still, licking his lips. 

Suddenly, everything seemed so real that it was unreal, every new step they took bringing them closer to what James had dreamed of for so long. He felt unexpectedly nervous. What if it wasn’t like he had imagined? What if the reality couldn’t live up to the dream? What if he was disappointed? What if _Teddy_ was disappointed?

“We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to, Jamie.”

Teddy’s voice snapped him out of his doubts and he looked down at him. It was obvious he was as turned on as James was, but there was a hesitancy in his voice, a slight wrinkle between his eyebrows. 

“We’re fucking doing this,” James said, snatching the lube from Teddy’s hand and straightening up. He coated his fingers with it and reached back to finger himself open. Teddy was running his hands along James’ thighs, moving his hips up and down, slowly, making his cock bounce against James’ arse and fingers.

“Stop it, you keep distracting me,” James said with a laugh.

“I doubt this is as distracting as watching you do that,” Teddy said, looking at James with heavy lidded eyes. “I’m just impatient to finally feel you around me.”

James let his head fall back to keep himself from watching Teddy so he could concentrate and work fast, but it was difficult since Teddy kept stroking his thighs, as well as making whimpering sounds.

“Jamie... “ Teddy said, and the tone of his voice, the sheer and naked desire James heard, made him decide that he was prepped enough. He took another dollop of lube and reached back to coat Teddy’s cock with it, then lifted himself up so he could position Teddy at his entrance. 

“Jamie, look at me.”

Surprised, James turned his head towards Teddy, lying beneath him, looking like he was about to dissolve into atoms. James locked eyes with him as he grabbed Teddy’s cock, tracing it around his rim. With an exhale, he pushed himself against Teddy, slowly, carefully, until finally the tip of Teddy’s cock breached him and he let out a gasp of pleasure.

“Oh Jamie,” Teddy whimpered, letting go of James’ thighs to cup his arse instead, spreading his cheeks to allow him to sink deeper into him.

James straightened up, impaling himself on the entire length of Teddy by undulating his hips, taking him in more and more, inch by inch, until finally Teddy’s pubic hairs tickled his skin, never breaking eye contact the entire time. Teddy’s hold on him hardened, and James was sure he was going to have bruises the next day, but he didn’t care, as long as he could feel Teddy inside him and watch him, his eyes wide with lust, a thin sheen of sweat covering his body. He set up a slow rhythm, determined to make this last as long as possible, but he was also impatient and he knew he wouldn’t be able to keep it up for long, he was so close, and he knew Teddy was too. And how was he supposed to go slow while Teddy was groaning under him, meeting him with each thrust, making him feel so good.

“You like this, Teddy?” James panted. “You like seeing me bouncing on your cock? Like to see my arse taking it again and again and — uh — _again_?”

Teddy planted his feet on the bed, grabbed James’ hips and thrusted up hard, grunting “Yes! Fuck, yes Jamie!” and it was too good, so good that James saw stars, Teddy’s cock hitting just the right place. James arched his back, allowing Teddy’s cock to sink deeper into him and _fuck_ this was the most intense sexual experience he’d ever had. He could feel his orgasm building, and he picked up the pace even more, his hand flying over his own cock, the sounds of skin against skin and the smell of sweat and sex increasing his arousal further, and all he knew was Teddy’s body under him, Teddy’s hands holding on to him, Teddy’s cock filling him.

James let his head fall back as white hot pleasure coursed through his body, making his head spin so much that he had to grab Teddy’s thigh to keep himself from losing his balance, and then he was coming, his breath stuttering as his cock throbbed violently in his hand, warm come trickling down his fingers. Distantly he heard Teddy curse and moan loudly.

“Jamie, look — look at me.”

James shook himself and, still panting, he locked eyes with Teddy, and the look on Teddy’s face made him feel like he did when he dived after the Quaffle: like he was free falling but with the certainty that he’d be alright in the end. Teddy tipped his head back, pressing it into the mattress, and he tightened the grips of his hands still holding on to James’ hips, bucking his pelvis up in earnest, his mouth going slack as his cock started pulsating its release inside James. It felt like a tiny new orgasm washed over James at the sight of Teddy coming underneath him, and with a groan, James collapsed over him. Every cell of his body was completely exhausted, but also completely satisfied. Teddy kept thrusting in small movements through his orgasm, and then he gave a shuddering breath and stilled, his hand coming up to tangle in James’ hair. He tugged a bit, but James was too tired to lift his head, so he slid down to Teddy’s side, moaning softly when Teddy slipped out of him. Teddy’s hand was still in his hair, his arm under James’ neck, and he tipped James’ head up to capture his lips in a slow, leisurely kiss that made James happy he was lying down now, because he felt dizzy all over again.

“Can’t believe we finally did this,” Teddy whispered, bringing his other hand up to stroke James’ cheek. “Can’t believe how amazing you are.”

James’ cheeks heated at Teddy’s words and he let his forehead rest against Teddy’s, closing his eyes and smiling contentedly. 

“Me neither,” he whispered, and then he felt Teddy’s cleaning charm washing over them both as he drifted off to sleep, feeling that everything was finally right.

* * *

James was 22 when he finally had everything he’d ever wanted.

When he woke up the next day, the sun was blazing in through the window and he had a warm body pressing up behind him, a strong arm slung around his waist, keeping him close to Teddy’s chest, as it heaved with each slow breath. It was like a dream, and James wanted to pinch himself, but he didn’t want to wake up if it really was a dream. As he stretched tentatively he replayed last night's events in his head. It had been incredible, but now in the harsh daylight his usual insecurities came crashing down on him. Where did they stand now? Where did Teddy want this to go? And most importantly, how could someone like Teddy want someone like James? It was obvious that Teddy was attracted to him, but was he also prepared to have a proper relationship with James, or would James once again be someone’s fun and short fling? 

He turned around carefully to be able to see Teddy; his eyes closed in sleep, his face so relaxed. There was a small smile on his lips and James wanted to kiss them so badly, but for some reason he didn’t dare to, too scared that Teddy would tell him something like it had been great, but let’s stay friends.

He needed to clear his head, and he desperately needed to go to the loo. Reluctantly he slid out of bed, pausing a moment to look at Teddy’s sleeping form, before he hurried off to the toilet. 

His hands felt sluggish as he washed them, numb and uncooperative. He splashed some water on his face and then paused to look at himself in the mirror. The only things he could see were the things that didn’t show on the outside. His lips that so many people had commented on, that had had an entire article in _Witch Weekly_ dedicated to them, always ready to tell a joke, about himself, about others, always laughing, but never serious, too afraid to tell the truth. His body, toned and muscled, but restless, always going somewhere, never able to settle down. And then a harrowing thought grabbed hold of him: What if it wasn’t that Teddy was the one for him, what if he was unable to commit properly to anyone at all?

He didn't mean to be this self deprecating, but he’d been dreaming of being with Teddy for so long, and now that it seemed to be a reality, he had the feeling that someone was playing an elaborate prank on him.

He sighed. He really needed to get out of his head, but he didn’t know how. Last night he had been able to really give himself up, and he wanted to go back to Teddy’s room, crawl into bed again, but he didn’t know if he was brave enough. He took another deep breath, staring at himself in the mirror, and decided he needed to go back now, before Teddy woke up and noticed he was gone, that would be less awkward.

As he went through the hallway on his way back from the toilet, he caught a glimpse of their dining table. It was covered in a starched linen cloth and laid with very fancy china and crystal glasses that he didn’t recognise. Teddy, or perhaps Victoire, had put an elaborate flower decoration in the middle and there were candles everywhere, some still floating in mid air, but now in a feeble sort of way. He hadn’t even noticed it last night, he’d been so drunk and then he’d been entirely focused on Teddy.

He padded off into the kitchen and his chin dropped at the sight of platters of hors d'oeuvre, a bowl of bouillabaisse and two coupe dishes with some sort of chocolate mousse standing on the work surface, covered by the steely blue light of a stasis charm.

“Jamie?” Teddy’s sleepy voice calling from the bedroom startled him. “Jamie, where’d you go?”

Slowly, he went back to Teddy’s room, stopping in the doorway, and he was surprised to feel tears in his eyes. Teddy’s hair was a mess, and he gave James a dopey smile, but his face fell when he looked at James properly, and he sat up abruptly, taking James’ hand and pulling him towards him.

“What’s wrong, Jamie?” he asked.

James allowed himself to be pulled onto Teddy’s lap, Teddy’s body still warm from the bed in contrast to James who’d been up for a while. He shook his head, letting his forehead drop to Teddy’s shoulder.

“Did you really do all this for me?” he said, finding his voice unusually small.

“What?” Teddy said, his voice still a little slurred. “Oh you mean dinner? Yeah, I told you, I wanted the night to be special.” He dropped down on the bed again, pulling James with him and rolling them over so they were lying on their sides, facing each other.

“Yeah,” James breathed. “You did. And I ran away like an overdramatic teenager.”

Teddy snorted softly, stroking James’ back in soothing circles. “Yeah I agree that you kind of behaved like one. Which wasn’t very characteristic of you.”

“You don’t think I’m a dramatic teenager?”

“Why would I think that?” Teddy said with a tiny laugh, but when he noticed James didn’t follow suit, he stopped. “Wait, is this about me being older than you?”

James shrugged one shoulder, casting his eyes down. Teddy moved his head backwards to be able to look at James properly. “Jamie?”

James was too uncomfortable to look at him. “I mean… maybe not specifically you being older, but… Why would you want to be with me? You’re so much smarter than me, and —”

“Jamie,” Teddy said firmly, making James fall silent, but when he continued talking, his voice was much softer. “Don’t you know, no one makes me feel as good as you do, James. No one. Ever. Because you’re the only one who sees me for who I am, and you still want to hang around me. If anything, I should be wondering why you would want to be with me.”

James had to blink away a few fresh tears threatening to spill out, and there was a big lump in his throat preventing him from talking, but Teddy pulled him closer again, holding him tight against his warm, naked body.

“Really?” James finally managed to whisper.

“Yes, you big dunderhead,” Teddy said, kissing James so carefully that he felt like he had vertigo all over again. “And I hope you want to be with me today because that’s kind of what I’ve been hoping for,” he said when they broke apart.

James frowned. “Aren’t you supposed to work?”

Teddy chuckled, rubbing his neck. “I um… I might not have been entirely truthful when I told you I had a night shift.”

“What do you mean?”

Teddy cast his eyes down and bit back a smile. “I’m honestly astounded that you believed me. I mean, your dad is my boss, of course he wouldn’t have me work a night shift on your birthday if he could avoid it.”

“But I asked him the other day and he told me it was true.”

Teddy cleared his throat awkwardly. “Yeah, I asked him to do that for me. I’ve been… I’ve actually been talking to him lately. About you.”

“About me?”

“Yeah, I’ve… I told you how much your family means to me, and how I could never… I wouldn’t want to do anything to jeopardize my relationship with Harry, but I also… I was losing my mind about having you around all the time, being smart and funny and sexy and…” Teddy stopped, looking embarrassed, but James couldn’t hear enough of it.

“Please, go on. Tell me how wonderful you think I am.”

Teddy gave a short laugh, but then his features became serious again.

“When I finally admitted to myself that I’m in love with you, I had to talk to Harry to, I don’t know, get his blessing or something? Or approval.”

James let out a gasp. “You’re in love with me?”

Teddy looked at him like he’d grown a second head. “Yeah. I… I told you last night.”

“You said you wanted me. And you said I’m not Victoire. And you indicated that you want us to fuck more than just this once, but — “

“Jamie,” Teddy said, bringing a hand up to cup James’ cheek. “I am completely and utterly gone for you, and if you don’t know that by now, I’ll spend the rest of my life proving it to you.”

James’ heart soared at Teddy’s words, at the insinuation that this was it for Teddy, and he had to bite his lower lip to keep from laughing out loud in equal parts disbelief and elation. “Promise?”

“Promise.” Teddy said, smiling as he pulled James closer and slid a hand into his hair. 

And as he closed the distance to kiss James again, James realised that there were no guarantees that they would last forever, or even that they would last more than two months. But, he thought as Teddy’s lips brushed his own, maybe that was what being in a relationship was all about: letting go, learning to trust someone else completely. Maybe not knowing how things would end was part of the thrill. And maybe that was what he’d been missing all along.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Comments and kudos are lovely ❤️
> 
> I'm also [on tumblr](https://andithiel.tumblr.com//)! Come say hi!


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